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The vacation that I was trying so desperately to lose weight for has come and gone. It was amazing but I didn't get to 100lbs as I had hoped. Heck, I didn't even make it back to my lowest weight (118lbs / 53.5kg).
While I've been away I suddenly became very interested in a fashion movement known as "lolita." I know very little about it so forgive me if my terminology is off. From what little information I've gathered, most girls who are interested in it have had or do have an eating disorder (around 70% according to some surveys.) This is due in part to the fact that most of the clothing is sized for petite Japanese women. The largest size for most of the popular brands would only accommodate up to a 26'' waist! Keep in mind that's the LARGEST. Imagine if you walked into your local clothing shop to find that a 2XL only fit someone with a 34'' bust and 26'' waist. You'd only make a pit stop by your house to throw all the food away before you hit the gym.
This style is drastically different from anything I've ever worn before. Most of my wardrobe looks something like the picture above. I get cries of "Matrix," "Edward Scissorhands," and "Halloween is in October" everywhere I go. I guess I'd classify myself as alternative. I take a lot of inspiration from old school goths, visual kei and steampunk - but I try to steer more towards the Victorian-era-look of things and away from the industrial / metal / rivet head side. (Have fun throwing all that together.)
While I'm on the topic of fashion... oh my word was it nice to finally have a pair of Demonia boots that I have to wear laced as tight as they'll go with the buckles on the innermost loop. Losing weight is the best thing I've ever decided to do.
Back on topic: in a fit of desperation a few days before my vacation I went on a tea fast. I had nothing but green tea (with or without honey) and water for four days. It's a personal rule of mine not to fast because I don't usually get the results I want... but this was amazingly successful. I think it's because the tea is a natural diuretic and I usually don't drink as much water as I need to. I lost seven pounds in four days and dropped from 130lbs / 59kg to 123lbs / 55.8kg. Unfortunately during my vacation I ate a ton. That's why I'm hopping right back into this tea adventure. I'm going to take my measurements as well since I got a nifty tape while I was away. Here's where it starts...
0 hours
Weight: 128.2lbs / 58.3kg
78 hours
Weight: 124.0lbs / 56.2kg
Not a bad amount of progress for something that lasted only three days. I broke the fast with some chicken... that was probably the worst idea I've had in a long time. My digestive system was really upset with me.
I shouldn't need to tell anyone that this is the internet and my lonely opinion, but now I've done it anyway. I thought this conversation was interesting. A lot of people ask me what I think about recovery, if I plan to recover - things of that nature.
vani says (3:53 PM):
Hey... have you ever thought about a day you may consider recovery?
カオナシ says (3:54 PM):
There is no such day for me.
カオナシ says (3:55 PM):
One day I will reach a weight where I am happy with myself. I don't know what that weight is yet because I'm not there. It's obviously less than 118lbs. I think it might be somewhere around 110lbs. I want to be skinny, but not a skeleton. I don't want even one person to look at me and casually think, "She could lose a few pounds." When I get there I plan to stay there... which will be great because I can adjust my calories to maintain and not lose.
vani says (3:58 PM):
But can't you see? This is no way to live for the rest of your life. You will not be happy. We should all realize that we'll be dead before we're thin enough. I guess I'm a damn hypocrite for telling you that but its unfortunately true.
カオナシ says (4:01 PM):
I won't be dead before I'm thin enough. I'm not (in lack of a better term) stupid enough to do that. What good is my hard work if I can't live to enjoy it? Why would I do this to myself if it was my intention to die? It'd only be for attention if that were the case - and this is certainly not for attention. It would be pointless to go out of my way for anonymity if that were true.
vani says (4:03 PM):
I know. see I totally agree with that but I can't help to wonder if things can get out of control.
カオナシ says (4:03 PM):
Despite the pictures I post, PERSONALLY...
...this is too thin. I do not want to look like this and I am far from it. The thinnest I would EVER want to be is around 95lbs.
カオナシ says (4:04 PM):
This is nice. This is about ideal. I'm getting closer to that.
vani says (4:04 PM):
oh my goodness!
that first one is too thin
カオナシ says (4:05 PM):
If I die then I fail. If I get sick then I'm doing something wrong. If I'm incapacitated then I need to rehabilitate myself and start again. The goal isn't to die or literally waste away. My intention is to be pretty damn thin and look good doing it. If I do it right, it will seem effortless.
vani says (4:05 PM):
but the second one is nice. I want to be like her but a little thinner. I'm kinda obsessed with making my thighs supersmall. ARRGG. and even when my torso gets stick thin my thighs are still there saying: muahahaa we're too nasty to give in to your hunger. I know my goal is the same as yours but it just scares me a little because somtimes I feel like what I see in the mirror may be disillusioned
カオナシ says (4:10 PM):
Any time I worry about that I hop on over to any BMI calculator and focus on the cold, hard truth: I am AVERAGE at best. My BMI rests somewhere in the middle - on a good day it's on the lower end of average. No where near underweight. No where near "anorexic" in medical terms. I stay around 19%. Even the old school "pinch test" devices at my gym tell me so. I know what I'm seeing is what I get.
カオナシ says (4:11 PM):
Is it okay if I post some of our conversation to my blog? I'll change your name. People ask me about recovery a lot and I think it'd be nice to have my position on the matter cleared up a bit.
vani says (4:12 PM):
haha no problem i dont even mind if you dont change the name.
So here it is and now you all know. :]
That time has come - the time when you realize that you're not talking to yourself anymore. I have no idea how I'm supposed to gracefully approach the topic. Thank you.
I have almost 100 followers. I average about 300 page views a day. This blog is about to reach 40,000 hits. I never anticipated any of it, and I think I even avoided addressing it for fear of sounding full of myself. As my grandfather once said, "It's hard to be proud of yourself without sounding like you're tooting your own horn."
Thanks to each and every person who has commented me. Thanks to anyone who took the time out of their day to click the "follow" button. Thanks to anyone who linked me, mentioned me, or even insulted me. I've made a lot of friends here and it's been an awesome journey.
Geez. I make it sound like I'm leaving. Don't worry - I'm not. [:
I'm going to put up a poll soon so watch out for that. It'll ask what things you like to see on blogs: thinspiration, useful sites, personal updates, diet plans, recipes, things like that. Please vote and thank you again! ♥
P.S. I'm a guy. I've sneakily avoided directly mentioning my gender on several sites, but I gave up and said it on one of my social site pages: "My blog and MySpace can tell you more about me than this space can - but I'll tell you one secret that they don't know: I'm anatomically male. I don't like to use the word "transgendered" (or any variation thereof) because it makes me think of people like Isis from America's Next Top Model. I'm not pretty like they are. I don't wear dresses or a full face of makeup. I don't want to have a surgery to remove my boy parts, but I'm not going to stop taking my hormones and lose my girl ones either. I hope to be more open about my anatomy in the future but I'm not ready to reveal that much about myself on MySpace or via my blog yet. I guess you could say that I'm testing the waters here. I don't mind what people think of me (it won't make me change,) but I am very weary of making them uncomfortable."
** I just checked and this day broke the record for the most page views: 649 total on May 2nd. [: Thanks again everyone! Don't forget to vote!
My most recent personal goal is to lose 25lbs in 90 days (as of April 1st.) Overall I want to get to 100lbs by July 1st (the start of summer,) so I guess at this point I need to lose 28lbs in 71 days. :/ Hopefully this will help me get there. I've modified it slightly so hopefully I'll lose quicker. The last time I did this when I was around 120 I just managed to maintain my weight. Here's how I changed it:
- Got rid of all the fast days and turned them into super low calorie days (less than 50 for the most part.) I did this because I've learned that at this point fasting just makes me feel tired, unmotivated, and generally bad. It really affects me physically and I usually don't have much to show for it (half a pound at best.) It's not worth it. This way I will at least be able to have some liquid calories in the form of juice or tea with honey to give me some energy.
- Got rid of the 800+ calorie days and traded them for moderate calorie days. I don't think it's feasible at this point to eat that many calories and expect progress, but I know the point of this "diet" is to keep the calorie intake mixed up so I tried my best to stay in tune with that.
- Changed the amounts for any days that had the same calorie count. For example, days 1 and 2 were both 500. I changed one to 400 and the other to 550.
Starting weight: 130.0lbs (59.0kg)
1: 400 calories
- Peach Knudsen Cottage Cheese Doubles (130 calories,) Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup at Hand (80 calories,) chunk light white tuna (70 calories) with fat free mayonnaise (20 calories) and 2 tablespoons relish (10 calories,) lite blueberry oatmeal (90 calories.)
Total calories: 400
Weight: 129.0lbs (58.5kg)
2: 550 calories
- Chunk light white tuna (70 calories) with fat free mayonnaise (20 calories) and 2 tablespoons relish (10 calories,) 1 serving reduced fat Cheez-Its (90 calories,) 1 serving Cheetos (160 calories,) 1/2 serving broccoli and rice (110 calories,) 1/2 can Mountain Dew Code Red (70 calories.)
Total calories: 530
Weight: 128.2lbs (58.1kg)
Ugh. I scarfed down almost all my calories at once. I work the graveyard shift so I count a day as midnight to midnight, even though I usually sleep in the afternoon. Once midnight hit I made the tuna and ate it with the Cheez-Its because I was starving. My roommate came home with groceries and offered me some Cheetos that she was eating so I had some. Then she cooked broccoli and rice for dinner so I had a small portion of that too. I got the soda out of the vending machine as soon as I got to work... all of those calories in less than 2 hours. ): I'm super happy that I didn't go over my daily allowance, but it sucked having to do a mini 22 hour fast until midnight.
3: 300 calories
- Shirataki noodles (0 calories) with 2 tablespoons lite soy sauce (20 calories,) steamed brussels sprouts (50 calories) with imitation spray butter (0 calories,) shirataki noodles (0 calories) with 2 tablespoons sweet teriyaki sauce (50 calories,) 1/2 serving Cheetos (80 calories,) 1 dill pickle (5 calories,) 1 serving lite blueberry oatmeal (90 calories,) a few pistachios (5 calories.)
Total calories: 295
Weight: 127.0lbs (57.6kg)
Once again I started eating like crazy as soon as midnight hit. I made the noodles and sprouts together... then had another serving and some Cheetos right after! I only had 100 calories left for the day by 2am. I gobbled up some lite blueberry oatmeal at work and knocked out another 90 calories by 8am. At least I only had to go 16 hours this time and half of that was spent sleeping.
4: 400 calories
Lipton green tea (0 calories) with 1 teaspoon honey (20 calories,) Activia light peach yogurt (80 calories,) vegetable medley steamer (100 calories,) four slices of light deli sliced turkey (45 calories) with 1 dill pickle (5 calories,) one serving steamed brussels sprouts (50 calories) with imitation spray butter (0 calories,) tall banana chocolate Vivanno (350 calories) with whipped cream (120 calories,) 2 servings salt and vinegar potato chips (300 calories,) and 1 vitamin water (150 calories.)
Total calories: 1220
Weight: 128.8lbs (58.4kg)
Today started off so damn well... but then I went to my friend's going away party. ]: He is leaving for the military. We all went to Starbucks together and I got a stupid chocolate drink with whipped cream. I told myself that it would be the last thing for the day. Once we got back to the party I started munching on chips and finished an entire Vitamin water. Those things have 50 calories per serving and 2.5 servings per bottle. Damn it! I hoped that the scale would be gentle but instead it showed me what I needed to see. I'm glad tomorrow is a 100 calorie day. Hopefully it'll at least get me back in the 127lbs range - even if it's just 127.8lbs. ):
5: 100 calories
- Shirataki noodles with 2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce (50 calories,) 6 slices of deli cut lean turkey (45 calories) with pepper (0 calories,) 1 cup diet green tea with 1 teaspoon sugar in the raw (5 calories.)
Total Calories: 100
Weight: 127.8lbs
I planned out what to eat on day five ahead of time but ended up changing it a bit. I slept through most of this day and it was great. I hate how it only takes one day to fuck up, but it takes a good three days to fix it. I'll probably be back where I'm supposed to be by the end of day 6. Here's to hoping for 127lbs! Baby steps. [:
6: 200 calories
- 1 serving green giant vegetable medley (55 calories,) 1 serving green giant broccoli and cheese (45 calories,) 1 serving lite blueberry oatmeal (90 calories.)
Total calories: 190
Weight: 128.2lbs
I guess I jinxed it or something. I drank a lot of water today so hopefully that's where the weight came from...
7: 300 calories
- Chunk light white tuna (70 calories) with fat free mayonnaise (20 calories) and 2 tablespoons relish (10 calories,) 1 serving lite blueberry oatmeal (90 calories,) 6 slices of deli cut lean turkey (45 calories,) 6 slices of deli cut lean ham (45 calories) with 1 tablespoon ketchup (15 calories.)
Total calories: 295
Weight: 128.0lbs
Apparently that didn't work. I'm super frustrated. ):
8: 400 calories
- Chunk light white tuna (70 calories) with fat free mayonnaise (20 calories) and 2 tablespoons relish (10 calories,) 3/4 serving fat free Cheez-Its (90 calories,) Shirataki noodles (0 calories) with some vegetables and seasoning (50 calories.)
Total calories: 240
Weight: 127.2lbs
9: 500 calories
- 1 serving Cheetos puffs (110 calories,) 1 serving lite blueberry oatmeal (90 calories,) 1 small portion sea salt and vinegar kettle cooked potato chips (50 calories,) 6 slices of fat free deli sliced turkey (45 calories,) 3 chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies (160 calories,) 6 slices of fat free deli sliced ham (45 calories.)
Total calories: 500
Weight: 126.8lbs (57.5kg)
10: 100 calories
- 1 small serving tuna with shirataki noodles (30 calories,) 1/4 grilled cheese sandwich (70 calories.)
Total calories: 100
Weight: 126.2lbs (57.2kg)
11: 150 calories
- One very small serving tuna noodle casserole (50 calories,) one half serving tuna (35 calories) with fat free mayonnaise (10 calories,) one very small serving beef and broccoli (50 calories,) 1 cup green tea with one teaspoon sugar (5 calories.)
Total calories: 150
Weight: 125.6lbs (57.0kg)
I went out with friends and had Chinese at the end of the day. It's crazy to try and make up excuses every single time, so instead I mixed food around on my plate and ended up picking the broccoli out of a few dishes and having a cup of tea. It was nice. No one noticed a thing. [:
12: 200 calories
- 6 fat free deli sliced pieces of ham (45 calories) with a small portion of ketchup (5 calories,) a very small portion of orange chicken (75 calories) with about 1/4 cup fried rice with egg (50 calories,) one strawberry ring pop candy (25 calories.)
Total calories: 200
Weight: 125.4lbs (56.9kg)
13: 400 calories
- 1/2 cup Apple Jacks (50 calories) with 3/4 cup fat free original silk (50 calories,) 1/2 ham minisub from Subway (90 calories,) 1 Knudsen cottage cheese double with peaches (130 calories,) 1 piece California roll (50 calories.)
Total calories: 370
Weight: 125.0lbs (56.7kg)
14: 350 calories
- Steamed broccoli with imitation cheese (100 calories,) 1/2 ham minisub from Subway (90 calories) with apple slices (35 calories,) two cream cheese won tons with sweet and sour sauce (100 calories.)
Total calories: 325
Weight: 125.0lbs (56.7kg)
15: 250 calories
- 1 serving Apple Jacks cereal (100 calories,) 1/2 slice raisin bread (50 calories) with imitation butter spray (0 calories.)
Total calories: 150
Weight: 124.8lbs (56.6kg)
16: 200 calories
- 1/2 serving potato chips (80 calories,) 1 Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookie (30 calories,) 1 small serving cashew chicken with soy sauce (90 calories.)
Total calories: 200
Weight: 124.0lbs (56.2kg)
17: 50 calories
- One serving baby leaf spinach (20 calories) with imitation spray butter (0 calories,) salt and pepper (0 calories,) a few bites of fillet mignon steak (30 calories.)
Total calories: 50
Weight: 123.2lbs (55.9kg)
Of course the 50 calorie day just had to fall on mother's day dinner. The spinach really saved me! I helped myself to a decent portion of it and pushed everything else around. I ate a few bites of steak and hid the rest of it under my napkin. The mashed potatoes were shoveled around under a few spare pieces of spinach leaf. I went back for "seconds" of some things and even helped myself to some pie (which I didn't eat a bite of.)
18: 200 calories
- 1/2 serving fruit snacks (40 calories,) 1 small baked potato with various toppings (150.)
Total calories: 190
Weight: 124.0lbs
19: 100 calories
- Half of a spam musubi with rice and dipping sauce (100 calories.)
Total calories: 100
Weight: 124.4lbs
20: 150 calories
- A portion of a chicken salad with ranch dressing (150 calories.)
Total calories: 150
Weight: 123.8lbs
21: 300 calories
- 1 low fat peach yogurt (60 calories,) 1 serving of steamed cauliflower and baby carrots (60 calories,) some Chinese food (180 calories.)
Total calories: 300
Weight: 124.6lbs
22: 250 calories
- 1/2 slice pepperoni pizza without crust (100 calories,) some cookies and milk (150 calories.)
Total calories: 250
Weight: 125.2lbs
23: 200 calories
- This will continue shortly. As of now it's pending.
8/1/10: I never made it past day 23 and I didn't reach my 100lb goal by the start of summer. ): My next attempt at the ABC started in August 2010. It is still ongoing as of 8/18/10.
I ran across this while I was browsing the internet. I'm surprised that it never came up before. It's a theory (or lifestyle, religious practice, or philosophy depending on what source you look at) that suggests the human body can survive on light (or energy, chi, prana, again depending on the source) alone. I passed by it when searching for "reasons not to eat."
1. Wikipedia
2. Old Breatharianism Page
I think it's a total crock. You can't survive without water for very long... but I am curious as to how long the body can handle a liquid diet. It's well known that figures such as Ghandi fasted for weeks at a time (21 day purification fasts were not uncommon for him - he also lived on a pure fruit diet for much of his young life.) Overall it's still something interesting to consider. [:
Anorexia mirabilis is another interesting one. It basically says that anorexia nervosa is associated with a body image disorder, while anorexia mirabilis is done when a person wants to reach an altered state of being, starves for religious purposes, or other ascetic (a lifestyle characterized by not taking part in various sorts of worldly pleasures) reasons.
Hope it gives you something interesting to read!
I'm in my 120s now and finally officially beyond going back to the 130s. I also found out I'm actually a size 3 or 4 (US women), not a size 9 or 10 (US women.)
The past three days: 129.8, 129.2, 128.4... feels good man. Also, I only realized my new size because a few people asked how I could be 130lbs and a size 9 (US women). Most of my clothes are size 9 to 11 and I didn't want to go shopping for new clothes until I hit under 120, but I bought two pairs of pants since I was so curious (and excited when I fit in a 4!) 3 works if I want them painted on, 4 fits comfortably... but today isn't about that. Today is a day to vent.
Oh, the people (who probably stumble across my blog via some search engine) deciding to read a post or two and then leave an essay of a comment implying how uninformed and stupid I am. I had three of them waiting for me today. I probably reject one or two comments like that per post.
Seriously? Really? You're going to write me a novel when you haven't even read a majority of what I have to write? You're going to tell me what kind of person I am, judge my quality of life and assume what perceptions I have of myself all in one go? I don't accept or respond to most comments like that, but every once in a while I just have to because the way they're worded really begs for a response.
I assume that people who pass by and imply that I'm mentally disabled don't frequent my blog. I know I wouldn't keep coming back to read about someone who I think is absurd, but on the off chance that someone would (for some reason) revisit something they supposedly think is so void of knowledge... here and there you will find a response from me to you. I guess I should congratulate you. Your command of the English language has fascinated me enough to elicit a reaction.
I've avoided posting these details because I try to keep myself as anonymous as possible, but I've had more than one jerk assume that I'm a high-school dropout. (What kind of connection do eating disorders have to dropouts? Hell if I know, maybe I'll do research later.) I'm a senior at USC. My major is Linguistic Anthropology. It sure isn't a medical degree, but it is a science that has a ton of prerequisites involving how the human body functions since anthropology is, in essence, the study of human culture. That means that you need to understand humans at a biological level first.
As I have stated many times now, I am doing this out of research. I want to understand exactly how this works, what causes it, what it feels like, what it looks like, what it makes me think about, how it affects my life - there are a million things I'm discovering as I go along. It'll be something great to write about when I document enough about it. It's a pretty drastic approach - I know, people tell me everyday - but it's been a wonderful experience so far and I wouldn't change it. If I lose some weight along the way, great - if I gain it all back then not much has changed, has it? "You started with nothing, you've gone back to nothing. What've you lost? Nothing!" Thanks, Monty Python.
And guess what? My research so far has surprised me. I haven't experienced any of the negative "urban legend" type symptoms that I find online. (Hair loss, excess hair growth, bad breath, gas, etc.) In fact, I feel better. (Details about that will surely come in later posts.) As I've said before, there is a major difference between voluntarily starving yourself among the support system of family and friends in a comfortable environment... and being forced to starve in a hostile environment... but that's all part of what I want to know. It's great, I'm learning tons about it.
The first comment response is super tiny because it's so long.Anonymous: I love how you point out that I would be depriving my body of nutrients. Heaven forbid a person who is trying to starve does that... also, when did I say that it was NORMAL to eat 300 calories a day? I'm insulted that you think I'm that misinformed. I don't think there's anyone in the eating disorder community who could honestly say that 300 calories is what the AVERAGE person eats. No, the obese people who make up a majority of my local population consume at least 10 times that amount.
If what you see here frightens you, then why are you sticking around? If you think that comment was neat, you should see the other things people say to me. At least you and her were civil, and that's why I bothered to reply to your comments instead of just rejecting them and moving on.
I'm sorry to say it, but this made me laugh: "If starving yourself was an efficient way to lose weight, everyone would do it." "What never ceases to confuse me is how you can possibly think that this would work." "What is even more frightening is how other people on this blog are agreeing with you." Has it not worked? Am I not losing weight? Don't you think people are agreeing because they've tried it too and it works? Maybe it's not healthy or "smart," but it gets you results. There are far worse things in this world than restricting the amount of calories you have in a day.
I never ever, not even ONCE, talked about maintaining my ultimate goal weight. In fact, I've mentioned several times that I can't wait to get there and complete my experiment so I can return to a weight that I think is healthy and attractive. So I'll just ignore those paragraphs because I don't know what made you decide to lecture me about the topic.
I never said you were wrong. But I do think it's awkward of you to march in here, tell me that I'm "a self-righteous yet misinformed individual" that will "[wreck] my body" because I think "all the nutritionists and dietitians are wrong." Especially when it's painfully apparent that you haven't read any of my original posts and you sure as hell didn't get here from my university page.PrettyWreck: At your request, I've put up the followers option! I've taken it up and put it down lots of times, but this time it is here to stay. (: Haha, I think it's great that so many people commented about the RMR! I browsed around some sites and found out that it is more around 1,500 calories which just makes me happier! Thanks so much for the help.
Zoe: I'll try! Thank you for all the support. I really appreciate it. I think at the very least I'll try to do some thinspiration here and there even if I don't have any other content to post with. O:
Willow: I agree with you! It's like the only diet soda that I can tolerate. All the other ones have a really weird aftertaste or they don't taste like the non-diet flavor at all.
I still mean it when I say "all comments are welcome." It's good to have someone to argue with every once in a while. [: I need to get used to it. Thinspo is to come in future posts! Stay strong, everyone!
