Boba, Thinspo

I was talking to a friend today and I think I'm traumatized. Have you have had a delicious boba drink? Bubble tea? Tapioca? They have a thousand different names. (No, this isn't me, it's some random picture from Google.)



Those suckers are overflowing with calories. 1/4 cup of boba/tapioca/bubbles has 270 calories and 45% of your daily carbohydrates. What in the world? Where do these calories come from? The actual tapioca itself is super calorie dense. Then if you add in the fact that they're slowly cooked in a maple syrup sugary concoction... it all starts to come together.

The drinks themselves aren't low calorie either. Here is a short list:

Honeydew Milk Tea - 361 calories

Milk Tea -260 calories

Lychee / Litchi Jelly - 125 calories

In case you've ever wondered what the milk teas are made of it's usually a mix of condensed milk, regular milk, a tea base and water. The condensed milk is where most of the calories come from. I'm really bummed out. I love these drinks.

Time for some dancer thinspo. [:
































This has nothing to do with the topic but I found it while I was looking and I love the outfit.



This one just cracks me up.

Halloween Goal

While making some layout changes I happened to look over my older blog entries. It made me think of other sites that I've seen. I recollected all the stories that I had read, all the lives I had peeked into, all the similar situations...

No. No. NO.

This sounds so cruel but I can't be like them! I have seen countless stories like mine: I was doing so well in the beginning. I went from 175lbs / 79.5kg to 120lbs / 54.4kg in about four months.

But then the weight loss stopped. The dream diverged. I've been bouncing between 110lbs / 49kg and 120lbs / 54kg ever since then.

At Halloween last year I was very pleased to reach 130lbs. It's almost Halloween again and I am 118.8lbs. Has it really been an entire year and I've only lost 10lbs / 5kg? This is not happening. This can't be.

This is unsatisfactory. All the suffering I put myself through? All the events I dodged? It's was all for naught now because suddenly my path has been clearly laid out before me. I have no one to blame but myself.

Halloween is not only my second favorite holiday (Christmas is number one) - it's also my birthday. I need this more than anything. I deserve a present from myself that no one else can give me. I want to finally reach my long term goal. I need to be 99lbs.

I'm going to set a very strict limit of 310 calories per day. According to all the calculators and math equations I've slaved over, this is the maximum amount I can have while doing NO physical activity in order to reach my goal in time. If I eat more than that I have no choice but to burn it off. I can't subtract from future days. I have to do the exercise. There will be no excuses this time around.

I've never been more happy to be upset. At least I won't feel sad again until my anger cools down. Cheese and rice... I've been sad for almost three weeks straight. This feeling has got to go. :/

Anyone else have a Halloween goal? You have 31 days to make it happen! Give it your best and good luck to you. This might help you.

Eating Disorder Myths #2

This post is going to be about more eating disorder myths. But this time it won't just be my incoherent ramblings - these points have substance to them. They don't focus so much of the physical aspects of what being anorexic or bulimic do to a person like my last post did. It's more about how eating disorders function as diseases and how individuals who are unfamiliar with EDs misinterpret them.

This page has a bunch of information and FAQs about eating disorders: http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/eatdis.htm

With the great amount of attention given to weight in our society, it's easy to construe some misconceptions surrounding eating disorders. Here are eight common misconceptions and the truth to dispel such myths.

"You're just doing it to get attention."

This is probably one of the most common misconceptions out there. Some may try to go on a diet to lose a few pounds, so in that sense one could argue that it is for vanity or to gain attention. But to a person with an ED the obsession quickly shifts from the need to look good into a compulsion of behaviors. In reality people who are entrenched in their eating disorders don't really notice the world around them. They often isolate themselves from friends and family so they have no one to "look good for." For the majority of those with an eating disorder it transcends far beyond the beauty aspect into a way to cope with stress, depression, expectations, trauma other difficult emotions.

"Eating cures anorexia/bulimia."

If this were the case the inpatient facilities tailored to treating eating disordered individuals would not have such a high rate of returning patients. If eating truly cured an eating disorder there would be far more programs specialized in force-feeding people with eating disorders. While an anorexic may eat, making it seem that he or she is "cured," it is the feelings associated with eating (before, during, and after) that truly mark where a person is in recovery. One who suffers from anorexia could eat a cheeseburger, but if the anxiety surrounding it is so great, and he or she compensates by restricting subsequent meals or over-exercising because of the larger calorie content of such a food, this can hardly be called "cured." A fear of fat and gaining weight is a symptom of anorexia, and it does not diminish (it actually usually increases) with the simple act of eating.

"People with eating disorders are weak/stupid."

Hardly. We need to have some of the strongest senses of will power out there. People who restrict (with or without purging) often do so because they are overwhelmed by emotion and feel emptiness in their lives that they feel can only be filled with control over food. It's sad that our society puts so much criticism upon those with eating disorders without understanding the mechanisms that are behind it. Perhaps they are stressed, so they don't eat. Perhaps they are unfulfilled with their relationship (or lack of). Perhaps it's work-related. Whatever the cause, emotional and binge eating is a serious medical and psychological condition. There are also studies that have shown that restricting calories actually heightens your senses and increases intellectual performance. (Google it up.)

"If you're not skin and bones, you don't have an eating disorder."

Possibly the most harmful of all of the misconceptions! Being at a normal weight and appearing to be healthy does not mean a person is not battling and engaging in anorexic or bulimic behavior. Weight is only one symptom of an eating disorder, and if a person exhibits other symptoms of anorexia (preoccupation with food, intense fear of weight gain, feeling fat despite being at a healthy weight, etc.) there is still an underlying problem. Many people assume that because they are at a somewhat normal weight, they do not need to receive treatment. Even doctors and programs overlook patients who do not fall under 85 percent of their "healthy" weight. (A person who is only 87 percent of their normal, healthy weight may be overlooked and therefore try to lose more weight to prove he or she is truly sick enough to receive treatment. How silly is that?) Just because a person appears "healthy" does not mean they are. In fact, a large number of studies show that the majority of deaths from heart failure associated with anorexia and bulimia occur when the patient is in recovery and at a more stable weight. Here's a chart of what your weight would have to be in order for the scale to tell a medical professional that you're clinically "anorexic" (more than 15% under your ideal body weight, or BMI of less than 16%)...

5'0'' / 152cm - 81lbs / 36.7kg
5'1'' / 155cm - 84lbs / 38.1kg
5'2'' / 157cm - 87lbs / 39.5kg
5'3'' / 160cm - 90lbs / 40.8kg
5'4'' / 163cm - 92lbs / 41.7kg
5'5'' / 165cm - 96lbs / 43.5kg
5'6'' / 168cm - 98lbs / 44.5kg
5'7'' / 170cm - 101lbs / 45.8kg
5'8'' / 173cm - 104lbs / 47.2kg
5'9'' / 175cm - 108lbs / 49kg
5'10'' / 178cm - 111lbs / 50.3kg
5'11'' / 181cm - 114lbs / 51.7kg

"It's healthier to be fat than too thin."

Obesity is a serious disease which should get a lot of attention because of the mortality rate. While obesity is considered by many health professionals to be an eating disorder, it is not true that all people who are obese have them. Some have genetic predispositions to obesity, so this predisposition combined with a lack of exercise and poor food choices may lead to obesity. There are certain disorders that can lead to severe weight gain: binge eating is characterized by uncontrolled eating of large quantities in a short period of time.

"Men who have eating disorders are gay."

I am proof that this is not true. Having an eating disorder in no way reflects upon your sexuality. Men are just as prone to life's stresses and traumas as women are. Any man (gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or trans-gendered) can have an eating disorder. Many men (statistically heterosexual men) are often ashamed to admit they have an eating disorder. Some men who engage in body-building often have a disorder called "reverse anorexia" in which the person tries to add weight and obsesses about food choices, calories, and exercising. While not as publicized, this "reverse anorexia" can be deadly, as seen in recent years following the deaths of many professional sports stars. Gay men and straight men are susceptible to life's pressures. Having an eating disorder does not mean you are gay and should not keep you from communicating about your eating disorder with others for fear of judgment.

"Medication can cure an eating disorder."

While medications are extremely helpful in treating disorders such as depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and others, no medication truly "cures" an eating disorder. Medications often help to take the edge off of obsessive thinking and alleviate some of the associated depression often occurring with the disorders. However, numerous studies have shown that medication in conjunction with various forms of therapy, nutritional counseling, and other approaches yields a better prognosis than simply medication alone. Not everybody responds to medications the same and what works for one person may not work for everyone.

"You can just start eating and stop having the disorder. Why don't you?"

Again: eating does not magically cure an eating disorder. It can make it worse. This misconception can be very frustrating to those with a loved one who suffers from an eating disorder. The misconception that one can control or snap out of their disorder often adds friction to many relationships and ultimately leads to further isolation of the eating disordered individual. While those suffering from an eating disorder do ultimately control their behavior (as we all do), there lies within them a force that becomes so great that the person often feels they are compelled to go about their behaviors in order to quiet the eating disorder voice. I use the word "voice" with much caution, as it automatically implies that those with eating disorders are delusional, hear voices and must be psychotic. This is not the case. I simply refer to this "voice" as a way to separate the eating disorder identity from the true identity of the sufferer. People often feel that when their loved one does not stop their behaviors, it is a direct way for the sufferer to spite the supporter. As a matter of fact, many people who suffer from eating disorders say that they wish they could stop, but often times it feels automatic, like they are on auto-pilot and don't realize they are doing the behavior until they complete it. It's just a routine way of life, as eating normally is a normal behavior for someone else. Someone who suffers from bulimia could make a conscious decision not to go to the bathroom after a meal, but the anxiety that arises from not purging is far too great. Why suffer when it can be easily alleviated by purging? This reinforces the importance of the behavior and further cements it into a person's automatic behavior. Eating disorders are medical and psychological diseases, and many people do not seek treatment because they fear being judged.

Layout Change, Thinspo

I messed around with my layout just a little bit. I made everything wider so my pictures and polls would stop getting chopped off. I tried to keep the whole thing within an 800 pixel width so people of every screen resolution could be happy. My profile changed slightly. I considered joshing the colors around but I quite like the gloomy atmosphere in here. It makes me think of rainy days. [:

The poll regarding topics of interest closed a few weeks ago. Here are the results in case you missed it:

I guess I need to start posting more pictures! I have a pretty large collection but I usually hoard them all to myself because I'm a greedy little devil. (That's not true. I just don't want my blog to turn into one of those 100% thinspiration photo ones.) There's nothing wrong with a site that caters to that sort of thing - Heaven knows I have a thousand of them bookmarked - but this place is supposed to be about documenting my ascent into something better. I'll do my best to combine the two.

I think I do pretty well with tips and useful sites. They're sort of thrown in together since they go hand in hand. "This is what you can do to lose weight and this is where I learned about it" is the usual format. Personal entries came in third place. It's good to know that I can safely continue that without losing too many readers.

I'm trying to do some research about scents that help to curb hunger. I'm not talking about things that are so repulsive they'd make anyone want to stop eating (dirty-cat-litter-box scented candles, the next new thing)... just subtle scents that subconsciously lead the mind in a different direction. See this post for my findings. [:

Now for the pictures! The theme is "buddies." [:

Fasting, Before and After Thinspo

I was at my lowest weight of 118lbs (53.5kg) not so long ago. I'm at 125lbs (56.7kg) now (which is nothing considering that I was at 132lbs (59.9kg) a few days ago.) I decided that I wasn't losing fast enough so the solution was simple: stop eating all together. Water only!

I'm 36 hours into this fast and I haven't lost a thing. When I started I was 125.2lbs. I weighed myself before bed and I had gone up to 125.6lbs! I weighed myself when I woke up and I was back at 125.2lbs.

I'm at work now but I plan to hit the scale as soon as I get home. If I haven't lost I'll make a B-line for the gym. If I've lost I'll make a B-line for the gym anyway because this is bullshit and I can do better.

Anyone else have such shitty results with fasting?

In my experience it's much more better and effective to restrict. I don't know why I gave in and fasted this time. I guess I was just desperate to really feel like I was making progress. Fasting makes me feel empty, weak, light headed and all the rest of it... but I never have anything to show for it. On top of that, I end up gaining anything I miraculously managed to lose as soon as I eat a bite of food. Who knew half an apple could weigh half a pound?

Damn you, body. If you want me to be "healthy" you'll start giving me the results I need. If you showed me that I could eat and lose weight then I'd continue to eat. But you're incapable, and so I can't eat. (A more logical person would say, "Hey doofus. That's a sign that you need to eat. Your body is obviously malfunctioning due to lack of food. It's showing you that it needs to eat." To you I say, "This is my experiment so fuck off. No one said it would be easy.")

"Decisions, oh decisions, are to be made and not fought for... I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot. I guess not."

Have some before and after thinspo. [: