Comments, Thoughts

I want to start off by replying to some comments. They all meant a lot to me.

Ash: I'm really trying to take what you said to heart. If she is the one then it'll work out and if she isn't things will take their course. I'm hoping for the best. (It's false hope but that's better than a lack there of in my book.)

Liz: Anastasia is her first name, although she went by Stasi. :/ I'll take your advice and avoid hugging her. All it does is pull at my heart strings. I never pictured a hug to be a painful act before.

Shiloh: It sucks a lot worse than most things in my life have. I've managed to steer clear of events like these up until now. I guess I should be thankful that they're hitting me later in life when I'm more prepared for them. (Then again, how prepared can anyone be for death?)

Analise: *hug* You have no idea how accurate your words were. She called me crying, yelling, and wondering why I wasn't being like "everyone else." She was upset that I wasn't being a dick (in lack of a better term) because it was making her regret her decision to break up with me. I'm so lame. I asked her if I should pretend to be a dick for a few days if it would help her... even though that would be extremely difficult for me because I don't want to hurt her at all. That just made her cry more. *sigh*

Anonymous: I agree with you. Time is a wonderful healer. Unfortunately I'm a sucker who likes to put all his eggs in one basket - I am holding on 100% to the tiny glimmer of a chance that she will genuinely want me back when she's ready. I know it's bullshit but it's the best coping mechanism I've got right now. I'm sort of convincing myself that this is a break. I figure that when I'm ready to move on (1,000 years from now) I will.

I would like to apologize for seeming so attention hungry. After looking back on my last post I strike myself as pretty pathetic. If you're comparing any aspect of your life to mine and thinking "damn, I guess I need to get over my problems because they aren't so bad..." please don't. (Unless it's making you feel better somehow?)

Pain is relative.

Let's say one man's dog dies. Another man has just lost his entire family. Most people would look at the situation and pity the man lacking a family. But what if the first man had no family himself? What if that dog was his sole companion for 15 years? What if the second man hardly knew his family, had a strong dislike for them, and gained a large inheritance that he was very pleased with due to their passing? No one can know a life unless they've lived it. If you're going through a difficult time chances are that they are just as hard to cope with as mine. (If not more difficult.)

Don't ever feel bad for feeling bad is what I'm trying to get at. If you feel hurt that feeling is there for a reason. Don't dismiss it. No one has the right to tell you that your emotions are misplaced or irrational. They may seem extreme or excessive to the outside world, but that's only because they don't have the perspective that you do.

No personal experience of mine has inspired the above words, but I can't remember how many times I've listened to one person tell another that they need to "get over it" or that they're "exaggerating." Why would you tell someone in their time of need that their emotions are unfounded or illogical? Do you really think that it's going to help them at all? Do you think they will magically snap out of their current state and say, "Gee. You're right. I really did get in over my head. I'm perfectly fine now!"

At the same time I recognize that people usually say such hurtful things because they themselves feel bad. They have a friend in front of them that they can do little or nothing to help. But c'mon... use your head a little. Adhere to the old "if you've nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule and give them a silent hug instead. (At times people do just need a reality check. I'm excluding those instances - and even in those cases, there are nicer ways to go about doing things.)

Another thing that grates on my nerves is when people say, "don't do anything stupid." Really? You think that calling potential actions of someone who already feels bad "stupid" is going to help them out? You think that referring to one of their coping mechanisms as "stupid" will prevent them from doing it? Why don't you say, "If things get really rough, I'm here for you." "If you're about to go to a dark place, talk to me first." Be direct if you want to. "Please don't hurt yourself. I love you too much for that."

I understand. You're mad. You think that what they are doing is "stupid." But it apparently isn't "stupid" to them if they keep doing it. Why don't you try to help them instead of indirectly calling them names? Why don't you tell them they're pretty, or smart, or that you're glad you talked today instead of planting the thought of self-harm in their head?

I think I'm angry. Or something. "I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like."

I signed some papers. I have a lot of money that I don't know what to do with. I forgot how valuable the Euro was in comparison to the US Dollar.

I want to sleep forever but I can't sleep at all.

I'll never sleep again.

I'll never even close my eyes.