It starts...

It's hard to figure out where I should begin.

I want this to be a personal record of where I've started and how I will end. Hopefully I will reach my goals and find a way to maintain what I have achieved... and if not, then I believe I should die trying. I can't have any regrets that way. No one will be able to say that I didn't give it my all.

Recently someone who I respect dearly told me that I was "allergic to prosperity." It seems like every time I have something good going for me, I fudge it up. As much as I hate to admit it, I have to agree. I become unmotivated very quickly. Once I content myself with something, I no longer have the drive to pursue it. If I start a new job and do well at it, my career ceases to be interesting. I lose my drive.

Maybe that's what started me on this path.

I've been of average weight and height for most of my life. Currently I stand at a bit over 5'7'' / 172cm and weigh 165lbs / 74.9kg. While no one ever joked that I was fat, no one ever complimented me either. (I would like to note that at my heaviest I was pushing 175lbs / 79.4kg in late 2006 and early 2007, and at my thinnest I was around 135lbs / 61.3kg in 2004.) I started reading about eating disorders as a young teenager when several of my friends confessed to me that they supposedly had them. Today I would classify them as "wannarexics" (wiki article here) or kids rebelling against their parents; but I'm in no position to judge. I haven't lived their lives. I do know that none of them met the medical criteria for anything other than EDNOS (Eating Disorder: Not Otherwise Specified.)

In my quest to learn more (and in an effort to understand how to help my friends,) I spent hours in libraries and combing through the internet trying to find out everything I could about how starvation affects the body, what causes eating disorders, and how they actually work. Admittedly morbid curiosity also fueled the flames. Seeing walking skeletons and holocaust victims fascinated me. It fascinated me so much that I wanted to be like them.

Without meaning to, I started skipping meals. I'd go for days without eating just to see if the medical blurbs I had read were accurate. Would I pass out? Would I feel this way or that? It's what slowly brought me away from 175lbs and back to a more normal 150lbs. Almost everything I read told me that eating disorders weren't things that could be gained: they were diseases.

"If you want to find out how to be anorexic, go back now! This isn't something you can just do!"

"Anorexia isn't a choice, it's an illness that you struggle with every day!"

"This is a life style, not something you gain over night."

Reading all of this, I convinced myself that I didn't have a problem. I looked in the mirror and saw someone who was average. I'd think to myself, "Sure, it'd be nice to get down to 110lbs... but who's counting? Are my pants fitting a little looser? Maybe I should step on the scale again. Actually, my thighs are pretty big. My stomach sticks out a little too much. My arms are fat." Before I could realize it, I was planning on doing liquid fasts before I even knew the proper term for them. I was writing down what I ate and at what time. I didn't want to be a size 11US anymore. I was tired of "average."

Now I'm stuck here in a strange limbo land. I know I could easily go back to eating normally if I tried, but isn't that what any addict tells themselves? "I can stop lighting up a smoke whenever I want." "I can put down the bottle tomorrow if I tried." It's been two days since I last ate. 56 hours to be exact with nothing more than water. I have no purpose other than the fact that I like to see the number on the scale shrink. A friend of mine once said, "I hate not eating... but it's the best and quickest way! What else am I supposed to do when nothing compares?" Have I really given myself a disease?

Regardless of what I'm labeled as (anorexic, ED-NOS, batshit insane, etc.) I've made the determination that I want to travel this road. I need to be 110lbs, possibly less, and I'd like to see what it's like to be double digits if I think my body can handle it. The lowest healthy weight for my body structure, gender, age, and height is 123lbs. I want to push the envelope. I'm no good to anyone or myself if I'm a shriveled up bag of bones that can hardly function. I desire to be thin... but beautifully so. I don't want to be out of breath when I reach the top of a flight of stairs or unable to carry my own groceries. I've seen what this is capable of doing. I've watched it nibble incessantly at my friends until they aren't themselves anymore.

But me? No. I take a silent pride in this. I will show myself what it's like to be proud, standing tall and vibrant. Not simply content. I will beat my peers in their own game without them even knowing it. I'll reach a weight where I feel comfortable wearing what I want whenever I'd like. Most of all... I will not allow myself to be weak, mentally or otherwise.

What is most important to me is to document exactly what I've done and how I feel about it, both physically and emotionally. I will include these pieces of information as formatted below for easy reference from here on out:

Starting weight: 165.0lbs / 74.8kg
Current weight: 160.5lbs / 72.8kg

I have had nothing but water for 56 hours. When I stand too quickly, I become dizzy and my vision fuzzes up. I've been sleeping more than usual, averaging 8 or 9 hours a night when normally I'd be happy with 6. Yesterday I also took a 2 hour nap.

This is going to be a long road. Uniquely, I hardly ever have hunger pains or cravings that I see most other people fight with. Maybe it comes from my life-long sporadic eating habits, or maybe I'm just blessed with a will power of steel. I'll post nifty pictures (thinspo) and cool articles I run across when I have more time. For now... it's time to go to work. I'm very doubtful that any of my other posts will be as detailed as this one has been.

If I stick to this for more than a week I'll be impressed. Fight the good fight and starve on.